Life’s still been tough. Burnt out studying for boards on top of our curriculum. It’s been hard trying to enjoy living life outside medicine. Sometimes I wonder if that will ever be possible. Right now it’s been like overlooming fog- somewhere in the back of your mind. It’s hard to talk about things I’m doing without sounding the same/redundant. I still don’t know how to respond or describe how I am doing. Is there a word for something in the grey of okay but not? It’s hard to describe these feelings, let alone trying to figure out how people outside of this life can understand.
For the first time, it’s been difficult to focus on studying. I find myself trying to procrastinate a lot more than usual. Sighhhh. If someone asks me what is the hardest thing about medical school, it’s the battle with your mind. No one really talks about the dark thoughts that may creep in studying on your own. The negative feelings you battle regarding your inadequacy, shortcomings, growing pains, sacrifices, pressure, internal and external expectations. Medical education is definitely a huge war with your mind, not in your ability. It’s hard to appreciate how far you’ve come when there is so much you currently are not. In honesty, sometimes being reminded of gratitude and privilege feels like gaslighting. For example, saying although medical students don’t get paid for what we do on rotations and residents being paid minimum wage despite our higher education, it’ll all be worth it with a higher salary someday doesn’t justify our as it is, unfair working conditions. Isn’t that just gaslighting us to accept this current broken medical system?
On another note…
But at least the good news is prepping for third year rotations and the move has been surprisingly smooth. Bless the current third years’ hearts for giving time out of their busy lives to help us. Blessed to have wonderful understanding friends and amazing opportunities to travel to Japan, Maui, and DC before starting my rotations. Bless wonderful friends that are understanding of my commitments but may never really know what it’s really like.
Currently in the grey, but it’ll be okay.
K
The Kaiser Karen Space 